Meaning of Alice in Wonderland tattoo I want

When I was little and watched Alice in Wonderland I wondered what it would be like to fall down a rabbit hole into a world where everything made no sense.

As I got older, I realized that my world had quite a bit of nonsense in it as well and I wondered if, perhaps, I was already down the rabbit hole. Everything about the world -- both Alice's and my own -- fascinated me and confused me.  I felt, in many ways, that my life paralleled her unexpected journey down the rabbit hole. I came to understand that, like Alice, I couldn't seem to come to terms with the world around me. It was an interesting place, yes, but also unnerving at times. The world around me was something I wanted desperately to understand yet struggled so much to do so. I would go to sleep hoping to wake to the realization that all my life I'd been dreaming. I hoped to find that real world, the world in which things finally made sense, was just on the other side of my dreams.

The older I got, the more settled I became with the idea that this place in which I was so unhappy was meant to be my home. I was meant to spend my days nibbling on the negative and sipping from the cup of sarcasm. I was, I began to believe, meant to live in this Wonderland.  In the past, my world seemed dark and senseless. The actions I took and the mistakes I made seemed to have no meaning and there were times when I felt as if those around me were truly speaking a different language. I didn't understand why I had to follow so many rules and make so many choices that didn't seem to lead me to happiness at all. I didn't understand a lot of things and all of that confusion only led to more unhappiness.

There were periods of my life when I felt so different from the people around me that at times it felt like either I had gone mad or they were all mad. In some of my unhappiest of days I felt as if I was living in a world that literally made no sense whatsoever. I couldn't understand why people did what they did or, in some cases, why I was doing what I was doing. I wanted to be in a different place, a world that made sense to me. I would close my eyes and wait to wake up, wait to open my eyes to a world in which everything had been turned upside down and finally made sense.

I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years,  my son passed away when he was 3 years old and from then I became addicted to meth. I have been clean and sober 5 years now (January 24th, 2007).

Once I got into a program and started getting clean I felt as if,  Alice eventually did, I FINALLY woke up! I feel as if now, with a positive attitude and a determination to see the good in life, I am opening my eyes and really seeing the world -- the real world. Wonderland, that place in which I lived with unhappiness and chaos and confusion, was an exciting place. It was intriguing and tempting and in some ways fascinating. But it wasn't real. As much fun as it was at times to live the way I used to -- indulging in anything and everything that I fancied, spending so much of my time trying to find my way, feeling lost and yet exhilarated by the possibilities of a world filled with nonsense -- I've found that my new reality is so much more brilliant and enticing than I would have ever imagined. Writing this today, I can only hear one thought echoing in my mind: I am so happy I finally woke up.

I feel a sense of freedom sometimes, no longer feeling trapped in a world that made no sense. Today the world makes sense to me. It makes me feel alive and excited. I am happy just to be here and to know that I did, eventually, wake up to a new life, a real life.  There are many things we can learn from the places that don't suit us, from the things that seem to make us uncomfortable and confused.